Sexuality and Totality

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Sexuality and Marriage

It’s almost as if, today, absolutely no one understands why the sexual act belongs in the context of marriage. People experiment as a matter of course once they hit puberty. They see sexuality as something recreational, something entertaining. And most tragically of all, perhaps, even Catholics, see it this way. Most Catholic couples are cohabiting before they get married, as though marriage is an afterthought, or some kind of optional accessory, to their sexual relationship.

But the Church has always taught that sexual activity belongs inside of marriage. That’s the only place where it’s appropriate. Not just because God says so, but because that’s how we are made.

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Gesture and Relationship

Here’s a very important principle for understanding appropriate human interaction. Ready? It’s this: a gesture of physical intimacy must be proportionate to the existing personal relationship. If it isn’t, the gesture will be inappropriate, and will wound relationships instead of supporting them.

So, for instance, suppose I have someone over to my house for the very first time. Suppose I greet him at the door and say, “Thank you so much for coming over!” And then I proceed not to give him a handshake, but a long, heartfelt embrace – during which I rub his back, and hold my face close to his for a long time. Then I kiss him on the forehead.

That guy is not coming back to my house! I’ll be lucky if I avoid a lawsuit because I’ve jumped to gestures of intimacy that are not proportionate to our relationship, I’ve totally wrecked the relationship.

Have you ever been on really bad terms with someone, but then at a public gathering they act like everything’s great – big hugs and smiles? It totally makes it worse, doesn’t it? Or remember how upsetting it was for Jesus when Judas kissed him? It all proves the same point, a gesture of physical intimacy must be proportionate to the existing relationship. Otherwise, it damages relationships instead of supporting them.

So, then, what kind of gesture of intimacy is the sexual act?

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The Totality of the Physical Gift of Self

The sexual act is a physical gesture of total personal self-gift. Right? Physically, you’re giving everything.

You are presenting your entire body, so you’re giving the other person everything quantitatively. And the sexual act is designed so that you give the other person your genetic material, the blueprint of who you are. Which means you’re giving the other person everything quantitatively.

Now we’ve said that gestures of physical intimacy must be proportionate to the existing personal relationship.

So if the sexual act is a gesture of intimacy that gives everything physically, then the only relationship that could be proportionate to that act would be a relationship that gives everything personally and that relationship – a relationship of total personal self-gift – we call marriage.

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The Totality of the Relationship

So now we know why the Church believes sex belongs in marriage. It’s not because the Church is nervous, or legalistic, or wants to keep kids from having too much fun. It’s because we ruin relationships when we prematurely jump to physical gestures of intimacy that are disproportionate to the personal relationship. And what that means is that before we give everything physically to the other, we should give everything personally to the other.

Giving everything means giving everything we have.

It means not just giving a night, but the rest of our lives. It means not just giving part of yourself to one person and saving part of yourself for someone else. It means giving all of yourself, and you can only give all of yourself if you don’t divvy yourself up among multiple partners. It means not just giving what you are actually, at this minute, but all the potential that lies within you

And that includes your potential to be a father or a mother

That’s a lot to give. It’s a lot to give your life to another person. But it's why we were designed as men and women, so that we could give everything physically, but also give everything personally.

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Have to Give Everything

We need to get the word out. The Church doesn’t ever condemn or forbid love. She doesn’t ever condemn or forbid giving oneself. What she does condemn is stinginess in love. She condemns stinginess in self-gift.

The Church doesn’t want people to hold back. The Church says, “If you’re going to love one another, go all in! Give everything. You can do it. You were made to love, so if this is the person, then don’t be half-hearted about it! Love them. Give yourself to that person physically, all the way, but only if you’ve promised before God and man to give yourself to them personally all the way!”

The Church will never condemn love. She will only condemn not loving enough. Because She knows we are capable of it. And She knows that nothing less will make us happy.