When The Gospel and Family Bonds Clash

One

Christ’s shocking words about family

God is the author of the human family and the first of the commandments about love of neighbor has to do with the family. But despite all these things, Jesus says something very shocking about family, something that’s worth meditating on.

He says, in Matthew, “Do not think I have come to bring peace on earth… For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; and a man’s foes will be those of his own household.” (Mt. 10:34-36)

And then, even more extreme, He says, “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, cannot be my disciple” (Luke 14:26).

The Lord is telling people that there are going to be times when you have to choose between being faithful to Him or remaining on good terms with your family. 

And when those times come, you need to remain faithful to Him. 

Two

Fulfilling your own religious duties

One of the basic ways being a Catholic can lead to family stress is just by following your religious obligations. There are going to be times when people in the family, including extended family, will be upset if you go to mass on Sunday instead of being at a certain family function all weekend or take time for daily prayer, spiritual direction, or regular confession.

Now, of course, whenever possible the time spent on mass and confession and prayer should be time taken from your personal entertainment, not from the time when you’ll be missed by your family and extended family. You don’t get to think about yourself as a persecuted martyr of the faith when you spend the time that could be spent with family on prayer and tv or news or social media.

But even so, when it’s clear that obligations to God come before obligations to family, that will sometimes get on certain people’s nerves.

But you can’t worry about it. Because God comes first.

Three

Keeping your house pure

Another major point of family conflict can come when you insist that nothing impure or unholy enters your house: When you tell your kids that they can’t watch certain movies or when you supervise their devices. When you tell guests, including extended family, that you don’t want them to use certain blasphemies, or tell certain vile jokes or stories, in your house. When your kids get older, even when they’re adults, you’ll have to tell them that they can’t sleep in the same bedroom with their girlfriend or boyfriend. Even in your own marriage, when your wife or husband wants you to use birth control, or even sterilize yourself.

When you demand that God’s law be kept in your home, it will almost definitely cause certain tensions with certain family members, sometimes the family members closest to you.

Here again, even though you love your family, you have to love them by putting God first or you cannot be Christ’s disciple.

Four

Refusing to endorse evil

One of the biggest areas where family tension comes is when one family member demands that another family member endorse an evil or affirm a lie.

Today this is probably most blatantly obvious when someone goes transgender, and you have, for instance, an uncle or a nephew, or even – God forbid – a son, who now demands that you accept that he’s a woman. But you can’t go along with a lie, even out of love. And you can’t go along with a lie if you’re going to follow Christ, who is the truth. 

Everyone says, “If you love me, you’ll support my decisions.” But real Christians know that’s not true. A real Christian knows you can’t support lies and self-harm and evil.

And some people will say, “Listen, you have to just go along with it, otherwise you’ll lose the relationship.” But whose relationship matters more to you? Your family member’s? Or Christ’s?  Which relationship are you more willing to lose?

Christ says, “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, cannot be my disciple.” 

Of course, we don’t ever hate our parents or spouse or siblings or kids. But when they tell us we’d better celebrate their particular brand of dysfunction and disorder or we’re being “hateful,” – well, Christ warned us ahead of time that this was a choice we might have to face.

And when we do, we have to put Him first.

Five

Whoever hates his life will save it; the same goes for family

Jesus says, “Whoever loves his life will lose it, and whoever hates his life on my account, will save it.”

In other words, if we put our life ahead of Christ, our life will be ruined. But if we’re willing to sacrifice the goods of this life, we’ll save our lives for eternity. So, actually, the best thing you can do for your life is to put Jesus first.

The same goes for when Jesus talks about “hating” your family members.

It means that if we put our family ahead of the Lord, our family will be ruined. But if we’re willing to sacrifice even the goods of our family relationships for the sake of the Lord, then that’s the best thing we can do to ensure that our family, even our estranged family members, will make it to heaven, where our relationship will be restored and made secure and joyful for all eternity.