Lying to Yourself

One

The Worst form of Lying 

A world or a culture in which people aren’t ashamed to lie to each other is a terrible place. Lying to other people is wrong for so many reasons: It destroys trust, without which no relationship and no community can survive. It misuses language, which was given to us as an instrument for communicating truth. It attacks your neighbor by disconnecting his mind from reality.

But the worst kind of lying, and the kind of lying we do all the time, especially if we get into the habit of lying to others, the worst kind of lying is when we lie to ourselves.

Two

What does it mean to lie to ourselves?

To lie to yourself means to tell yourself that the words you speak are true and that the actions you perform are good while at the same time refusing to consider the evidence that would show you your error and your sin.

So lying to yourself is two-fold. You continue aggressively pushing your own opinions and your own policies and yet you know that if you just spent a little time researching, or a little time reflecting, there’s a good chance you’d find out that your opinions and your policies are actually dead wrong. So instead you cling to whatever supports your own status quo – and you deliberately keep the truth that could set you free at arm’s length.

Three

The Story of Rehoboam

Rehoboam was the son of King Solomon, and the last king to rule over the united twelve tribes of Israel. We hear about the way he lied to Himself in the First Book of Kings.

When he first became King, the people came to him and asked him to be a good king, a king who was kind and considerate of the needs of his people, and not just himself. This was a fair request. In fact, it was so obviously, painfully fair, that Rehoboam should have just pledged himself then and there to serve his people justly and solicitously, which is the whole point of being king in the first place. But instead, he asked for time to think about it.

He asked the advice of the old men who had counseled his father. And the old men said, “Of course, be kind and just to the people, and they will serve you faithfully.” But Rehoboam didn’t like that advice, so he asked some friends his own age what they thought he should do. And his buddies said he should tell the people that he would be a fierce, brutal king, that he would whip them not with whips, but with scorpions.

So that’s what Rehoboam told the people and the result was a civil war that split up the kingdom, and the twelve tribes of Israel were never united again.

The point is that Rehoboam had the truth available. People told him what was true and what was right but he chose to ignore it because you can always find some standard, some advisor, some justification, to do what you want to do.

That’s what lying to yourself means.

So how do you resist that temptation?

Four

Find People who are Wise and Honest

Rehoboam was able to consult people who were wise and honest but he preferred to listen to stupid, thoughtless people who just told him what he wanted to hear.

So who are the wise and honest people you consult?

And remember what it means to be wise: it means someone who has their priorities straight. Someone who tries to put God and holiness first, and then serves their families and other people who depend on them. And only later pursue their own interests.

That’s wisdom.

And what does it mean to be honest? It means someone who will tell you what they really think, even if it’s uncomfortable for you. Or, at least it means someone who will ask questions that make you really reflect about what matters most in a particular situation. 

If you can find someone to ask you difficult questions that help you see the proper priorities in a given situation, then you have found someone who will help you not lie to yourself.

Five

The Right Standard

There are a lot of moral standards out there, and some of them are pretty easy, pretty lightweight. There are a lot of bogus moral principles you can use to justify and celebrate every selfish and stupid decision you make. So where can you find a standard that will constantly remind you of the many ways you can actually do better than you’re doing right now?

There’s a three-fold answer:

First of all, the Scriptures, and especially the New Testament. There you will find the great standard of moral perfection and if you meditate on that standard and you meditate on your life, you will see how you have a lot of work to do to get your life, and your opinions, and your general life habits, to where they need to be. But unbelievably, Christians will sometimes be able to use even the Scriptures to rationalize their own mediocrity.

And that’s why, in addition to the Scriptures, you need to be constantly engaging with the Saints – because they were the people who were never satisfied with spiritual mediocrity, selfishness, prejudice, or arrogance. And if you read about their lives, or you read their writings (and best of all, if you read their writings on the Scriptures), if you do that, you will be constantly encountering a living truth that is so clear and compelling that your own self-deception melts away before it.

Third, everyone needs a spiritual director or mentor. John of the Cross, Teresa of Avila, and Francis De Sales believed spiritual direction was not optional. John said, “A person without a director is like a blind man who takes the wrong road.” Francis De Sales writes, “Do you want to advance confidently along the path of perfection and the love of God? Then seek someone who can direct you. This is the most important advice I can give you.”

At the very least we all need one good friend who is committed to daily meditation, is faithful to the teachings of the church and who is level-headed, a friend who is friend enough to tell you when you are wrong, when you are in sin but will also confirm you in the right and encourage you not to quit in battle for holiness. We all need one good spiritual friend who can save us from our own illusions. 

A faithful friend is a sure shelter, whoever finds one has found a rare treasure.

Sirach 6, A faithful friend is something beyond price, there is no measuring his worth. A faithful friend is the elixir of life and those who fear the Lord will find one. Whoever fears the Lord makes true friends, for as a man is, so is his friend.

To avoid self-deception, we need clear truth, clear examples, and clear advisors.

So read the Scriptures. Meditate on the saints. And get a spiritual mentor or a least some wise and honest friends.