Head of the Household

The Head of the Household: First to Sacrifice

One

Double-task

When writing to husbands, St. Paul says two things about a husband that he definitely doesn’t say about wives.

First of all, St. Paul says that the husband is the head of the wife. He doesn’t say that the wife is the head of the husband. Secondly, St. Paul says, husbands are called to love their wives as Christ loved the Church, by laying down their lives for their brides.

Now how do we make sense of this? Why should there be a head? Why should it be the guy? And what does headship, or authority, have to do with laying down your life?

Two

Why headship?

First of all, let’s make it clear that every institution needs a top authority. There are never two US Presidents, or two British Prime Ministers, or Two CEOs. Because you need somebody who is going to make the final decision. That’s why a democracy of two just won’t work. 

And that goes for Church communities. Every Church unit must have some authority. There’s only one Pope, there’s only one governing Bishop of a diocese, and there’s only one head pastor of a parish. 

And remember, a Christian family is a Church family – that’s why it’s called “The Domestic Church.”

And, of course, not all leaders are good leaders.

It also doesn’t mean they have authority over everything. And, in some extreme cases, they are so incompetent or wicked that they have to be removed, even in the Church. But that doesn’t mean we can just dispense with them altogether, or that they aren’t legitimate authorities.

So too, husbands aren’t perfect leaders, and sometimes they can be criminally abusive or negligent and have to be removed altogether. But that doesn’t mean we can ignore the fact that it’s natural for every family to be led by the father. 

And when he doesn’t fulfill that role, the family has a harder time.

Three

Why the husband?

But why should the husband be the one who leads the family? Especially when, often enough, the woman seems like she’d make a better captain. 

Well, there are probably a lot of reasons why the husband should lead the family.

For one thing, male and female, especially in the Christian context, are meant to symbolize the love between God and humanity. This is why priestly leadership roles in the Church are held by men, whereas consecrated virgins who, like Our Lady, are the supreme models of discipleship, are women. 

But also, men are the ones who are most tempted to disengage from their families – to ignore the needs of their wives and kids and get wrapped up in their own personal projects or entertainment.

When family problems arise, men are often tempted to say to their wives, “Oh, you decide. Do whatever you think is best. You deal with it.”

Husbands are more prone to abdicate responsibility, which is perhaps why God has demanded that they assume even more responsibility. Because when a husband tries to disengage, a Christian wife can say, “No, you’re the head of this family. You need to make a decision.” 

And when he makes the decision – when he charts the course for the family – he’s now invested in seeing it through. He knows he can’t blame the problem on anyone else. 

Because the head is responsible. The buck stops with Dad.

Four

Headship and self-sacrifice

But what does being the head of the family have to do with laying down your life? 

The answer is this: every leader is called to be the first to make sacrifices for the community.

In one of CS Lewis’ books, a King explains to his eldest son what to expect when the throne comes to him. The King explains to his son: “For this is what it means to be a king: to be first in every desperate attack and last in every desperate retreat, and when there’s hunger in the land, to wear finer clothes and laugh louder over a scantier meal than any man in your land.”

That’s it! That’s what it means to be king of your family, with your wife as the queen.

It means you have to be the first one to do unpleasant tasks around the house, and the last one to rest from them. It means you have to be a model of cheerfulness, even if – especially if – things aren’t going your way.

It means you prefer activities that give all the other family members pleasure to activities that give you pleasure. It means that if there’s something you want to watch – but you don’t want the kids watching it – then you just go without. It means you complain less than anyone else in the house. It means that the job you pursue is the one that’s best for your family – not necessarily the one that’s most interesting or ego-boosting for you.

That’s what it means to be the head of your family – and what it means to lay down your life for your family.

Five

Are young men being prepared to be the first to sacrifice?

So - this is what it means to be a Father, the Head of the Family: it means not only to lead your family but to always be the first person in the family who’s willing to make sacrifices for others.

So are we preparing young men for this? Are we preparing young men to be kings? To win a queen, to establish the Sacred Kingdom of the Family, and then to provide for and defend it with their lives?

Or are we rearing young men who are going to sit in the basement or the attic just playing video games, smoking weed, and posting videos online?

Christ is the model of a man. He is a King. He is a Husband. He fought the Devil tooth and nail for His Bride, and He provided for His family by feeding them on His own body – the body nailed to a cross.

He’s the model of a family-man. It may not seem like much to be a good Dad – to be cheerful, and to take charge, and to always be willing to help out, and to make an honest living, so you can pay the mortgage – to talk to your kids at night, and make them something to eat in the morning. It may not seem like much to make your wife feel like she’s always loved, like there’s always one man who thinks she’s absolutely beautiful.

But actually, doing just that is about the greatest thing a man can hope for in this life. That’s what it means to be a hero. A king. A Man of God. That’s what it means to be head of the household.