Have You Screwed Up?
One
The Tragedy of Judas
The Wednesday before Easter is traditionally called “Spy Wednesday” to recall Judas’ betrayal of the Lord but that final Wednesday of Lent should have been a special feast day. It should have been the feast day dedicated to St. Judas the Repentant Traitor. Because, at the end of the day, the greatest tragedy of Judas’ life wasn’t that he betrayed the Lord, that he sold pure love incarnate for a little bag of coins. At the end of the day, the greatest tragedy of Judas’ life was that he felt like his mistake had reached the point where there was nothing to be done, nothing even that God could do.
He thought his past sins and mistakes had more power over his life than the Providence and Mercy of God. And to the extent that we do the same thing, that we think the same way, that’s the greatest tragedy of our lives too.
Two
Do you think you’ve done too much damage?
You are not God, neither am I. As finite creatures, we will make mistakes that have consequences we can’t change. We will fall into sin.
Sorrow for sins is a good thing. It’s good to recognize that you’ve hurt people, that you’ve missed opportunities for good, that you’ve been colossally arrogant, or ungrateful. Sorrow is just where you recognize evil and you say, “I wish I hadn’t done that.” But it can’t just be, “I wish I hadn’t done that.” It also has to be, “I’ll try to do better.” You can’t just be sorry for the past. You have to be hopeful for the future.
Some people are simply overwhelmed with their failures. They say stuff like, “It’s too late. I screwed it up. I ruined my marriage. I ruined my kids’ faith. I was a terrible son, or daughter, or brother or sister. And now it’s too late.” They despair. They quit hoping and trying.
That’s what Judas thought. “It doesn’t matter anymore. It’s too late. The damage has been done.” But if he’d stuck around, he would have seen that it wasn’t. He would have seen how the very Jesus he’d betrayed would rise again, with forgiveness and fullness of life for everyone. If he’d stuck around, he would have seen that our sins and failings are no match for God’s ability to produce happy endings for anyone who wants them.
Three
God isn’t limited by your failings
Throughout salvation history, one truth shines through with unmistakable clarity: The good that God can and will do is not limited by our past sins, mistakes, and failings.
Look at the Israelites Moses led through the desert. They were idolatrous, complaining, disobedient, immoral, faithless, and yet when the come to the Promised Land, a local woman says, “We have heard here about all the wonders God has done for His people.” In other words, the bad behavior of the Israelites doesn’t stop God from manifesting His power and mercy to the world.
Nor does the disciples’ cowardice or Peter’s betrayal prevent the passion that saves the world, or the Resurrection that assures us of our glorious future. Even after the Resurrection, Thomas' doubt actually underscores the reality that Christ has come back to life. Jesus uses Thomas’ doubt, his need for physical verification, to show the world that He is not a ghost, but has in fact risen from the dead.
The whole Bible is basically the record of God doing amazing things with really disappointing people. So why would you think that the fact that you’re disappointing would stop Him from doing amazing things with you?
Four
Saints
The saints testify to the same thing. The saints fail in big ways, in ways that they worried might ruin everything.
Joan of Arc, after being endlessly harassed, both physically and psychologically, eventually broke down and said that all the gifts she had received from God were fake. But then she rallied, reasserted the truth, and was martyred, a stupendous example of supernatural heroism for all time.
St. Peter, we’re told, ran away from martyrdom a second time, even after all that time, all the gifts and graces of the Spirit of Pentecost, even then he was just afraid. But then, as he was walking along the Appian way, he met a vision of Christ carrying His cross. And he turned around and made it right. That time, he followed Christ to die with Him, as he’d promised he would so many years ago.
St. Teresa of Avila, in her autobiography, was so worried about her past sins, she said, “Among all the saints who have turned to God I can find none whose history affords me any comfort. For I see that, once the Lord called them, they never fell back into sin. I, however, not only fell back and became worse, but seem deliberately to have sought ways of resisting the favors which His Majesty granted me.” Yet she is one of the greatest experts on holiness.
The point is our sins, mistakes, and failures, including the big ones, including the ones we’re still dealing with, those can’t stop God. If we keep trying to serve Him, He can and will do wonders around us and through us.
Five
Give God Some Credit
It’s time to start trusting God enough to put more emphasis on His goodness and His creative power than on our failings. Yes, we need to repent. Yes, we need to keep strategizing for ways we can live better, get over our vices, be kinder and more Christlike. But just think, for a moment, about all the good God has done in your life ,good for you and good for other people. He did all that with you being the hot mess of a sinner that you are.
So don’t be like Judas. Don’t quit. Don’t give up. Don’t say it doesn’t matter anymore, don’t say it’s too late. It’s never too late. God has done great things in your life, and He plans to do still greater. If you keep working, He will work with you. The only thing He can’t work with is despair, the refusal to hope in God and keep trying.