Friendship Deficit Syndrome

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Proverbs 18:19 Brother helped by brother is a fortress, friends are like the bars of a keep.

In times past a walled city, a fortress and the keep were the places of refuge during a battle. We are experiencing a spiritual battle in the world today and we need a place of refuge, a fortress, a shelter. That fortress, as Scripture says is friendship, true and virtuous friendship. One of the most devastating realities today is isolation and loneliness, what I call friendship deficit syndrome. What our world needs is virtuous or spiritual friendship.

First we need to understand it. Friendship is not something that just happens. It is a virtue and must be learned. It finds its basis in the maxim “Ti Voglio Bene,” the Italian way to say I love you which literally translated means “I want your good.” True friends want the good of the other. True friends choose to pursue both the human goods and the divine God, friendship with God, together. So friendship is wanting the good of the other on the human and the divine or supernatural level.

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Ideally this friendship with be lived first in the family between spouses, between parents and children and between siblings.

Friendship and good conversation are intimately bound together. We certainly don’t want to leave our conversation with our spouse at the surface level of the details that need to be managed. That can make us partners but not real friends. And it is not enough for parents to tell their kids all the right things. For telling people stuff does not make them friends. Real friendship begins with knowing the other. Ask your spouse and kids their real view on many and varied things of life. Then give them the freedom to have their own opinion. If you ask genuinely and really want to know how they view life and the world, they will tell you. Get better at asking questions: What do you think about this; or Why do you think people do that; or What should I do here?

One of the best ways to grow in friendship and conversation is to read out loud or listen to things together – audio books, podcasts. This allows us to share ideas together. The great joy is to then talk about those ideas together. Always leaving the other free to their own ideas and opinions.

Reading, listening, talking. This can be done between spouses, and parents and kids of any age.

Or listen to, pray and talk about the Rosary Podcast. Ask: what caught your attention? What were you reflecting on? Why? Tell me more about that.

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Many people bear the cross of not having deep friendship.  If you find yourself in this situation – your are the norm rather than the exception. But what can we do? Pray – Ask Jesus for one or two good friends. And persevere in prayer. Jesus taught us to persevere and prayer. Ask and you shall receive, knock and the door will be opened to you. But sometimes we must keep knocking and knock more loudly. Persevere.

We not only Ask Jesus for good friends, we must also work on our own virtue. I need to grow in all the virtues because like attracts like. If we grow in all the virtues we will attract virtuous people with whom we can become friends.

Then look around – is there not one or two people you are instinctively drawn to which forms a natural basis of friendship? Then you must take the risk of being rejected and make contact and invite the other person to share life together. A coffee or beer, a walk, a meal. It is our job to take the risk, take the initiative and invite.

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Friends share human and divine things together. Friends spend time sharing life together. Just do what you normally do and do it with others. It takes no extra time. You need to eat, exercise, you want to grow in knowledge and experience beauty, so invite someone to do this with you. Take a walk – invite someone; cook and eat – invite someone; pray the Rosary – invite someone; watch a movie or go to a concert – invite someone; go experience something new – invite someone.

It takes not extra time to do what you do and do it with a friend. In fact, it makes all you do more delightful.

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Finally, we must persevere in friendship. Familiarity breeds contempt. As time goes by we see the imperfections, weakness and annoyances more keenly in our spouse, our kids, our parents and our friends. Be willing to persevere in friendship, to put up with their imperfections because believe you me – you and I have plenty of annoying imperfections and weakness ourselves.

But it is precisely by persevering with one another in the virtue of friendship that we slowly are perfected in virtue.

Persevere!