Difficult People
One
Story of David and Shumei
There’s a fascinating vignette in the life of King David. It’s when he’s on the run, fleeing for his life, from his own kingdom, from his own wicked son. And while he’s on this bitter journey, in some out of the way place, a local man named Shimei, from the tribe of Benjamin, comes over and starts throwing stones at David and cursing him. Shimei was a relative of the previous King, King Saul, and was accusing David of crimes against the previous royal family.
Now, it’s never nice to have a crazy person pop out of nowhere and start throwing rocks and curses at you. Especially for a situation where you did nothing wrong. Especially when you’re running for your life, in exile, pursued by your own flesh and blood.
And one of David’s companions asked the King, “Would you please give me permission to ride over there and cut off that guy’s head”?
David’s response is amazing, “Leave him alone… let him curse…it may be that the Lord will look upon my misery, and restore me to his covenant blessing.” In other words, David knew that accepting someone else’s unfairness and annoying irrationality might be the path to salvation.
Two
The Punishment and Purification You Need
In this story, the crazy little Benjamite was angry at David over a situation in which David was, actually, totally innocent. In the case of King Saul, David had done everything right. He’d been a faithful servant to Saul. He’d been incredibly loyal to him, even after Saul had turned on him for no reason. He’d refused to kill him, or allow anyone else to kill him, even when Saul was hunting him down. He had been unwilling to take the throne, even though he knew he’d been chosen by God has king, as long as Saul was still alive.
But even though David was innocent when it came to Saul, he knew he wasn’t innocent in lots of other areas. He wasn’t innocent when it came to Bathsheba, with whom he’d committed adultery. He wasn’t innocent when it came to her husband, Uriah, whom he’d had murdered. He wasn’t even innocent with his own kids. In fact, he’d handled things very badly with his sons Amnon and Absolom.
David realized something that we should all be super-careful never to forget: Even if people are mean to you or annoy you in ways you don’t deserve, God can use them to purify you for sins where you deserve a lot worse. David didn’t deserve to have rocks thrown at him over Saul but he deserved a lot worse than rocks when it came to Bathsheba and Uriah. So if there’s a person in your life who treats you unfairly, or gets on your nerves, remember this: God may have put this person in your life so that you can be purified in a much less extreme way than you deserve. And if you push them out of your life, you may be inviting a far, far worse punishment, one that’s actually proportionate to all the horrible things you’ve done throughout your life.
Three
The Faults of Others Become the Opportunities for Your Virtue
David knew that other people’s vices could be opportunities for our virtues. Shimei’s curses and stone-throwing could be the opportunity for David to develop the virtues of patience and mercy. That’s a fundamental truth in our dealing with other people. Their failings are the opportunity for our growth!
If someone else is rude, it’s the opportunity for you to develop thick skin. If someone else is lazy, it’s the opportunity for you to be more industrious to make up for it. And if someone else is really boring, it’s an opportunity for you to learn how to focus, take interest, and notice things in ways you wouldn’t normally. If someone is too messy, it’s an opportunity for you to let go of a need for tidiness. That’s true in a marriage. It’s true in the workplace. It’s true in friendship.
Other people’s defects are one of the primary means God uses to cultivate and develop our souls. But you have to be willing to see it that way – like David was.
Four
The Temptation to Get Irritating People Out of Your Life
To get the spiritual benefits of being around aggravating people, you have to resist the urge to just cut them out of your life altogether. That’s what David’s General wanted to do with Shimei. “Why should I not cut off the head of this dead dog?” He said. Yes? Why not? Why not cut aggravating people permanently out of your life? Well, for two reasons.
One is, if you cut everyone who is annoying and unfair out of your life, you’ll be forced, eventually, to cut everyone out of your life. Because everybody is aggravating. Everybody is sometimes selfish, unfair, or just annoying. Especially you, by the way. And, as it happens, the only way you can be cured of being selfish, unfair, and annoying, is by not cutting those who aggravate you out of your life.
David saw the presence of Shimei as a manifestation of God’s will for him. Do you realize that the presence of unfair, irritating people in your life is a manifestation of God’s will, of God’s offer of mercy to you?
Five
The Gift of the Other’s Goodness
Don’t cut difficult people out of your life. Their vices, their unpleasant qualities, are precisely what you need to be purified from your own vices and weaknesses. But more than that, as your vices and weaknesses are purified, and as you continue to spend time with people you don’t naturally enjoy, it’s very common for something amazing to happen. You come to see their goodness. And you wonder how you could have missed it so badly.
That is really God’s ultimate blessing, the ability to get past other people’s faults and see their goodness. When you can name that goodness in the other, and name it truly, despite whatever genuine problems you and the other person still suffer from, when you can name the goodness you didn’t see before, then, like David, you will have been blessed by the presence of those who started out feeling like just a pain in the neck.