Changing the Way You Feel by Virtue
Getting our feelings in order
Oftentimes our feelings are misdirected. Sometimes we are inclined toward what we know is wrong, and away from what we know is right. We desire too much food, more food than we know is good for us. We dislike exercise, we’re averse to prayer and try to avoid it. We hope to gain happiness through money, and we fear commitment.
Feelings are not the problem. The Problem is when feelings control us. Feelings or Passions are a good God given power of the soul designed by God to propel us towards things which seem pleasing, and away from things which seem displeasing. If we’re confronted with something which seems pleasing, we experience attraction, desire, joy, hope, and courage. If we are confronted with something that seems displeasing, we experience dislike, aversion, sorrow, despair, fear, and anger.
The problem is that we experience the wrong emotion at the wrong time. We fear to do the good, or we desire what’s evil. We may hope for something we know will bring about our own downfall, for instance when a diabetic who knows that cake isn’t good for him desires it anyway. Or, to take a moral illustration, you may know that giving to the poor is good, but dislike it very much. We are this way because our feelings or passions are out of control and they control us. They were meant to be good servants, but they are very bad Masters.
What not to do
The ancient stoics, various strains of Buddhism, and even certain Christian traditions have encouraged the elimination of the emotional life – all feelings or emotions are bad so eliminate them.
Well then, should we just try to satisfy all our desires indiscriminately? Should we obey every urge, every feeling, that comes along?
The answer is to develop virtue. Virtue harnesses all these feelings or passions and reorganize them. It directs the passions in an integrated manner to incline us towards what’s truly beneficial for us and away from what’s bad. When you have virtue, you actually “feel like” doing good and avoiding evil.
Resist misdirected feelings
You can change the way you feel through a two-step process.
Step one: resist misdirected feelings. This is sometimes called checking the passions, or, more commonly, “fake it till you make it.” If you do the right thing, over and over, eventually your urges will get in line. Most people don’t start out liking exercise, but if they keep at it they begin to look forward to their morning run. People usually don’t start out enjoying prayer, but if they pray anyway, day after day, they get to the point where they can’t do without it. The same goes for abstaining from bad behavior you’re inclined to: if you have a habitually dirty mouth, you’ll want to say horrible things when you get angry – but if you resist that urge long enough, you’ll get to the point where you’re accustomed to clean speech, and where you hate the sound of profanity and vulgarity.
How to mentally focus
Step two: mentally focus on the pleasing aspects of what’s good and the displeasing aspects of what’s bad. This is sometimes called commanding the passions. Let’s say, for instance, you have a hard time being nice to someone because you dislike him so strongly. Well then, you should a) go out of your way to be kind to that person (checking the passions), but also b) think and talk about his good points, his virtues, and maybe especially the gifts he has that you don’t (commanding the passions). If you think and talk about the person in those terms long enough, you’ll be constantly reminded of how much there is to appreciate about this person, and you’ll actually begin to appreciate him and it’ll be easier to treat him charitably. Again, you should use this strategy to avoid evil. Say you want to gossip about someone – you can picture in your head how awkward it’ll be if what you’ve been saying gets back to that person. Or you can use St. James’ image, about how a small flame – unworthy talk – can burn down a whole forest of good. Whatever image works to help you realize how deadly gossip is, use that, focus on that, picture that. And eventually your desire to gossip will wane.
How do we order our feelings?
This is done in two steps. First, check the passions; stop the wrong thought or emotion. Then, command the passions. Choose the right thought and do the right action.