Mentoring Mentees in an Unhappy Marriage
Defined Role of the Mentor
Overall, help the married person take responsibility for their unhappiness, based on the spiritual dimension of their marriage vow.
Remind them that they promised God, themselves, and their spouse in the presence of their family and friends that they would be faithful in good times and bad on the day of their Marriage Sacrament.
Teach them that happiness is a spiritual choice and responsibility which ordinarily requires human effort to achieve.
Teach them that they have the sanctifying grace of their Marriage Sacrament on which to draw spiritual strength. Their marriage is holy and sacred.
Teach them that happiness is connected to their spiritual life. If God is present in them, they can achieve happiness, even if at times it’s hard for them to imagine. This gives them hope based on a spiritual truth. This hope is something they should pray to God for, trusting in Him, even when they seem hopeless.
Teach them that God can repair all things and is the ultimate source of happiness. Holiness and happiness go together.
Teach them that happiness is also maintained through a prayerful, Sacramental life, which are the ordinary elements of support that spiritual mentoring provides.
Watch for blaming that makes it impossible to take responsibility. Blaming cancels out taking responsibility and is a sign that he/she is not on the path for healing. A blaming attitude makes healing impossible. Taking responsibility requires humility. Blaming is a sign of pride.
If a married person is persistent in their unhappiness (not knowing what to do), they are indicating that they cannot solve their unhappiness alone and are obligated to seek the help of a third party outside of their marriage (a licensed psychologist that believes in keeping marriage).
Initially the other spouse does not have to be involved in therapy. The unhappy spouse you are mentoring does not need their spouse’s immediate cooperation to begin taking responsibility and seeing a therapist. Each spouse is responsible for their unhappiness, for their marital vow.
Numbers 11-20 apply to a Mentor’s Role while any mentee is in therapy for any reason.
Spiritual mentors are not therapists. Spiritual mentors refer mentees to help that supports keeping people married. The burden to find such a referral is not on the spiritual mentor. It is part of the responsibility of the married person. However, if a spiritual mentor happens to know of a licensed psychologist that supports people in keeping their marital vows, they can make the referral to this trusted resource.
Spiritual mentors, guided by the Holy Spirit, pray for the relationship with their troubled mentee. Letting the mentee know you are praying for them in their difficult time is powerful both humanly and spiritually.
Spiritual mentors encourage the necessary courage and humility it takes to be responsible for personal unhappiness.
Spiritual mentors do not comment on therapy, other than to encourage the person to persevere in their therapy.
Spiritual mentors continue to support the mentee in maintaining their prayer life, their life of virtue in confronting themselves, and receiving the Sacraments regularly, especially Holy Eucharist and confession.
If you find a mentee is talking uncontrollably about their therapy, let them know that you understand their pain and will pray for them to persevere, but avoid commenting or taking sides if another party is involved. You then avoid interfering in the mentee/therapist relationship. You can be empathetic both in a human and spiritual way without interfering or taking sides. “I see your pain and struggle and I am praying for you….”
Believe that your spiritual teaching, prayerful support in virtue and understanding is powerful and is all that is necessary when a mentee expresses distress. You are supporting their spiritual tie to Christ in a very real and human way.
Observe the degree of courage, humility, and trust the unhappy spouse is willing to give. The extent that these virtues are willingly practiced determines the level of happiness the couple will be able to achieve. Happiness is a personal choice, responsibility rooted in our trust in God.
Respect the degree of happiness that your mentee has achieved. They have been heroic in the process of achieving this happiness.
Teach the mentee to pray with gratitude to God for any healing and progress they have benefitted from entrusting their care to a more knowing person, that does the work of God. God uses caring people to heal others. Gratitude is sign of a healed heart.